I am sick and tired of repeating the same cycle of sleep, eat, bedrot, and repeat. I want to escape the carousel. No one will pull me off. I have to step off because it's exhausting staying on the same ride when the entire fair is here. All of this is a very lame way to explain that this website will definitely suck and be a niche journal for bored people because if I'm gonna make people read about me it might as well be worth it or at least a little interesting. I will try to update this weekly maybe even daily and hopefully Ill have watched a new movie or made art or went somewhere or ate something different. Anything, just anything for the day to be something. Happy 2026 and if you see this before I update with a new entry wish me luck wherever you are because ill need it - Wonderer
I remember working but not at all what I did. I do remember hanging out with Matt though. Little bit of background, he's my MVP bestfriend we've been through breakups rumors graduation college and droping out all together and are a bonded pair like little cats, the definition of twink and a redhead. We hatched this little plan to hangout and eat and dye my hair and go thrifting. This little plan being a result of me getting giftcards to restaurants and a thrift store and a nostalgia of my red hair era along with an obsession of the song comfort by Doll Apartments. Sadly Matt ate with his boyfriend so no food but that just means I still have giftcards so its chill. We did still go to the thrift and even though the dvds and trinkets were lacking as usual I did make out like a bandit with 4 items AND I paid 0 dollas thanks to Madi giving me a sexy amount of 50 on the giftcard(insane).I started off in the pants section and found this perfectly red pair of pants, then in a detour to the skirts that I told myself I wouldnt enter due to an already egregious amount of skirt ownership I found this cute and stretchy paisley skirt, after forcing myself out of the bottoms I went to the tops and got this little corporate goth ass blouse with black details and puffy sheer sleeves so I of course grabbed it because I currently have maybe 3 fancy tops that fit me for interviews and family events and such. Matt had us go to the jackets and while I wasn't planning on taking one home I then found a velvet jacket that exactly matched the pants and I just had to and I DID. There were of course other items I tried on but they didn't speak to me ( they actually screamed that I was a fat bitch when they got stuck on various parts of my body). We headed to Matts parents after to do eachothers hair. While I wasn't originally prepared to dye him back I did use it as an excuse to show him my Odd and Weird playlist filled with short films and animations and weird sciency videos. The dye job lasted long enough that we went through most of the playlist and some he hated enough to skip and others he loved enough to claim that I'm on ball he wasn't aware of. Anyways, now I'M bright red (thank you Rock Lobster) and Matt is Breen (various potions).
All the missing days in between were work and sleep. Only thing of note was me watching A League of Their Own which for the first time and I really enjoyed it. I didn't sleep the night before apart from a 4 hour nap because I was excited for a girls trip with Matt and Madi.I had my entire fit planned like a kid on the first day back from summer. An all red fit featuring my new items except my black converse. My hair and makeup along with my UNDERWEAR AND BRA were red though so cut me some slack. This trip was extremely improptu and by that I mean it literally was born that afternoon from Matt asking us to go out of town with him for a house viewing appointment because him and his boyfriend are moving in together in a little beach town that is much more bumping than our current one. I'm super excited for him because he'll finally get to live with his boyfriend and be in a town closer to his wavelength, I'm also very excited for myself because they plan on having a guestroom and Matt already knows I'm gonna appear on their doorstep more frequently than the Jehovahs. We left our town super early so we had like an hour and a half to kill before the appointment so our first hit was a local game shop. It was the typical store mainly comics and various card games but Madi got some collectibles and Matt got these little Pokemon and dragon critters and he gave me one. We also got matching cat and dog ducks because rubber ducks are one of my obsessions thanks to my Pawpaw Duck. We looked up the different thrifts and vintage shops and found out the town has a pretty big vintage scene and the first store was a smaller shop with pretty high prices but the money goes to one of the local outreach programs because the homeless and poverty population is pretty high so I'm not mad at the cost. We found a few items that were cool but nothing truly spoke loud enough to be purchaced other than the beautiful wedding dresses I had no wedding to buy for. After that we went to the goodwill bins which was like the only proper thrift and also my first bins experience. It was lowkey scary watching everyone stand prayer circle style waiting for the new bins to come out. We all watched in horror as the people started digging like dogs but Matt possessed by the thrifting high became one of them and found like 5 different things he was interested in. The rest of that experience was pretty average other than the loose knives underneath a pile of clothes. After that and multiple bad textures we decided we had enough and went to a corner to decide the yays and the nays and after coming to our senses much was put back. In the end I came up with 2 pairs of baggy jorts( sadly not durst level but we persist) and a double grommeted belt (peak belt style and also my only belt). The greatest find though was an entire tin of kodak films and after going to the car finding out it was from the most travelled guy alive with multiple pictures being of cologne cathedral, Peru, and like various other hotspot destinations in the 50s. After that little adventure it was time for the house appointment, except not because when we got there Matt called the people again and they were like erm actually you dont have an appointment listed because the person we originally talked to was a newbie who didn't get the info they needed to but no worries because they had another appointment available in like 4 more hours so time to fart about. We went back to the area where the first shop was because there were like 20 other shops. We went to another vintage store that was 3 stories and had so much cool shit. The first things we saw when we entered was a fucking carousel horse and AN EGG CHAIR. Couldn't even focus on that because we were instantly greeted by an adorable doggy who went bipedal mode to stand at the jewelry counter to say hello. After like 3 minutes of doing a bit with the dog like she was helping me with the rings we dispersed into the greater journey of the store. They had the usual large furniture and fancy dishes and glass decor but I only care about the weirder more personal feeling items. They had pins from different associations and even an Aids awareness pin which felt bittersweet for obvious reasons. There were these tiny little soda bottles next to the pins and they had a tiny doctor pepper still sealed and if it wasn't 15 dollars I would've got it because it's my favorite soda. Nothing else was super cool to my other than the cookie jars but that was just the main floor. Going upstairs there were some clothes nothing too cool to me but def the stuff that trendy vintage people would buy like old band tees and playboy mags. After doing a quick search there we went downstairs to what was obviously a remodeled basement(bold choice for an area that floods easy). There were some cool medical devices like an old ass wheelchair majority made of wood but the star of the show was a CAT. We thought he was taxidermy till he moved his little head then we flooded him with pets and attention and got some pics with the kitty. After the kitty interaction we dipped because someones bladder (mine) and bowels (matts) were about to explode. We went to this little game shop because we were desperate for a bathroom. The shop was cool it had like hundreds of board games and play areas and even a soda bar. Both places will definitely be seeing me when I visit Matt and I will in fact be bringing treats for the store critters ( with owner approval duh). After that it was time again to go back to the potential rent spot and this time we were joined by one of the rent agents and her car had those cunty eyelashes so I knew Matt was in good hands. The house was pretty chill and Matt was happy with the vibes and his bf seemed down too based off the videos he got. We were starving after so we looked up different food places and landed at a geeky cool to be weird bar and taco shop. The place was so fucking sick they had crtvs as decoration and most of the place had insane decorations and wall art done by local artists. We of course got plenty of pics which was encouraged by the workers who genuinely seemed happy about being there. On the food stance: BANGER. Madi got these loaded fries that had WIZARD SAUCE(magical, name is true) Matt got loaded nachos that were pretty similar minus the sawce and he had a different meat on his, I landed on a carnitas taco (whos surprised) and an oyster mushroom taco. I devoured that carnitas taco but the mushroom one was eh mainly because they were heavy handed with the pickled red onions. Our last stop in that area was a furniture store ran by an older lady and a luigi mangione looking dude who was extremely jewish looking in Madis(Jewish) opinion. The store itself wasn't that enjoyable as most the pieces were very bland and everything kind of had a hotel look to it. Right before we drove off a little boy rode by on his bike and when we signaled him to do a wheelie and he couldn't he proceeded to shrug and flex his arms which was hilarious and endearing in a younger brother way. You go little boy be confident on your wheeliless bike. We decided to go to the other side of town for the major shopping mall they had there. Our first stop was an international market where we got some jellied Sake and Madi loaded up on their go tos along with a mystery box of Japanese snacks with a Hello Kitty theming. We also went to the Burlington where me and Madi both got matching Juicy lace sets in our designated colors (red for me pink for Madi). Our last stop of the night was the main part of the mall where the only stops were Earthbound (always dissapointing in the prices and quality) and the finale Cold Stone Creamery ( soooo yummy thank you Dr Pepper float). We went home all proud of our hauls and once we got to Matts we tried the mystery snacks which were overall mid. Madi dropped me off after and I finaally tried everything on (they all fit YAYYY) and then went my ass to bed since I had been awake for nearly 24 hours by then.
I woke up at like 3pm and took a shower to get all the yucky off me from the day before. I decided to go to Walmart because I had a giftcard and yesterdays trip made me realize I really need an sd for my camera for more pics and the ability to record. I also finally looked up what I needed to so I could get bulbs for my 2 lava lamps. I also went ahead and bought rolls and one of those deli made rotisserie chickens so dinner wouldn't be on the checklist anymore. When I got home I tried the jellied sake from the trip and it was...interesting. Kinda tastes the way acetone smells from a distance. I went ahead and replaced the bulbs which was a success so we have lava ladies and gentlemen. The SD card on the other hand, we do not have video folks. This is because I am a little(a lot) stupid and did not think to check the amount of GBs my camera can handle. The answer to that is less than what I bought but hey I have an SD for my laptop I guess so I wont consider it a total loss. I did decide to use my brain this time though so I looked up what my camera can specifically take and put it in my notes for next time. We'll see when I'm at Walmart next though. Probably like a month knowing me. After that I just decided to chill and find something to watch on Netflix that I haven't seen before. Tonights selection was Gossip Girl because I am weak for messy teen dramas ( One Tree Hill lover alert). So far I'm liking it for what it is but I love when teen dramas just decide to make the parents complete morons to explain why the teens go unchecked with their insanity. I'm gonna continue with my little watch party, goodbye - Wonderer
Lol I kinda completely forgot to update this because that damned doom spiral got me. In good news my bestfriend Matt finally got to move in with his boyfriend. The place is a little odd with doors that don't fit and uneven floors but he found a little den outside recently so thats cool. Thankfully its only a temporary situation until they find a longterm place with more space. Hes really happy though, it seems like the light is coming back inside of him. Hes much more excited over mundane things despite going on about how much he misses me. Sometimes I like to pretend that in a different reality I'd move out of state to live near him but alas I am poor and my boyfriend wants to stay here. I am trying to change the first part though. Tomorrow I plan to finally get a new car battery and hopefully bring my road baby back to life. Today I've been decently productive (hence why I got back on here) I filed my taxes and went grocery shopping and deposited money in the bank and did laundry. I also applied for multiple part time jobs to hopefully save up for a better living situation. I already have a job I love that'll give me a career but its only part time until the next spot up has an opening and sadly in this economy that is a major death sentence. I also started watching Bridgerton due to a coworkers rec and I LOVE IT. I also started watching Baki bc of my boyfriend and its decent to have on in the background but I dont care enough to give it all my attention. A lot of the animation shots are hilarious without context though. That will be all for todays ramble, I hope to return to this site much more despite lacking eyes.
SIT DOWN WE GOT BIG MF UPDATES THIS TIME. First things first I BROKE UP WITH MY BOYFRIEND FINALLY. Whats crazy is I don't even think Ive written about him on here. Despite being an anonymous page where no one knows me I was still so scared to say the truth about our relationship because that would've made it too real but I finally snapped. I called my friends crying about how he has to hate me and how he made me feel so small and unloved and unknown. No sending me things that made him think of me no gifts unless I asked no dates no going on errands or shopping with me no posting me no pictures together. He wouldn't even dance with me in a kitchen ALONE. That's not even the worst part. He actively pouted if I said no to sex and would huff and puff and get on his phone and say I didn't love him. If we did cuddle it'd be after we spent all day in separate rooms because he preferred his friends over me and the only parts of me he'd touch were my tits ass and vag and thats when I was little spoon which was almost never but every night he had me cuddle him the only thing he let me do was touch his dick. He deadass called me a butler in front of his friends and didn't see why it upset me. He complained about everything I did I was always too loud or too annoying or my shows were annoying and cringe and so was my music taste and my youtube videos. I went so long with him treating me like nothing that I became nothing. I stopped wanting to watch my shows or listen to my music or get dressed up. I was so depressed that I could only shower sitting down and I dropped over 30 pounds in like half a year. All this to say that I'm done plucking my own feathers and I am finding myself again and becoming exactly who I should've stayed. And thank god for my bestfriends, Madi and Matt were the first people I called when I realized I couldn't live in a house that felt haunted with hatred. Madi paid for the blowup mattress and parts to fix my car and Matt fixed it while I was at work and Madi paid for my cat to get vet care so I could make sure he could come with me without getting their cats sick. Then we celebrated that same night. They were so proud of me for finally realizing what I deserved and for finally giving myself the grace to be who exactly who I am out loud and proudly. I can be nonbinary and I can listen to my music on full blast and watch every show and movie I love and do all the art I want to and wear what I want to and eat what I want and I can tell any person who doesn't love me for it to fuck off and leave. That isn't even the best part. Matt always planned on me eventually moving in with him and his boyfriend and I wanted to so badly but now I have nothing holding me back so guess fucking what. I get to move back to my home state and I get to live with the people I love the most and eventually get my own place and it can be exactly what I want and need it to be. We already have so many plans, clubs, boardgames, photoshoots, concerts, house shows, beach days, dinners at places we've never been. They also have a friend down there who already treats me like one of the homies and dude hes so fucking kind. Its actually insane remembering how kind absolute strangers can be and how quickly they can become good friends. And its so fucking silly because Matt and his bf joked about us getting together and im not even against it. Ive met the dude once in person since the first time and we all went to an arcade and dinner together and he paid for everything and opened doors for me and he wants me to have my hot girl summer and find myself again and obvi we definitely flirted a bit bc newly single I can do what I want but hes so genuine and thinks im like the sickest person hes ever met he sraight up told me Im the prettiest person hes ever seen and whenever we text he reminds me that and doesnt let me get away with talking shit about myself and he also treats them so well and is such a good friend to them. We all hung out at his house after the arcade and food and it was so nice he instantly fit in our little group it just felt like everything was aligned there wasnt a singular awkward moment for any of us but they could so tell he was flirting all night but he likes me so much he doesnt even care if they find out weve been talking. I have my soul back I get to be with my bestfriend again I get to keep my job and transfer to a different location but ill be making more and have a way higher chance of progressing in my career and ill be in a city that feels more like home and ill get to experience so much new shit and I have a hot ass man that wants to buy me flowers and do everything my ex wouldnt for me and he fucking hates that guy. He thinks my ex is the dumbest man born for fumbling me and so do all of my friends and family and coworkers and everyone is so fucking happy for me. I FINALLY GET TO BE ME AGAIN HOLY FUUUUCK. BEAUTIFUL BLESSINGS GREAT PHAROAH RA HAS SHINED UPON MY HARVEST. I think i've said everything I could think of for now but now that that soggy cunt is out of my ear ill get to update way more and ill get to tell yall about all the amazing shit I get the chance to do. If you're stuck find a fucking way to get out and please for the love of god live the life you deserve to have. AND IF YOU DONT THINK YOU DESERVE IT STFU AND DO IT ANYWAYS BC THE ONLY PERSON CAPABLE OF LIVING YOUR LIFE TO THE FULLEST IS YOU SO LEAVE THAT TOXIC RELATIONSHIP SMILE AT THAT STRANGER EAT THAT FOOD YOUVE NEVER HAD GO TO THAT LOCAL SHOW THAT COSTS 5 DOLLARS EVEN IF YOU WORK THE NEXT DAY BECOME THE JOY AND THE WARMTH AND THE BRIGHTNESS YOUVE ALWAYS WANTED TO BE SINCE CHILDHOOD MAKE THAT 8 YEAR OLD IN THE MIRROR THINK YOURE THE COOLEST VERSION OF YOURSELF YOU COULDVE EVER BEEN.
I PASSED MY EVAL TO GET INTO ACADEMY TO BECOME A GROOMER YIPPEEEE. I also had a german shepherd who was so sweet but poor boy had something wrong with his leg so he snapped at me trying to do his nails(thankfully mama is getting him checked at the vet) I also ended up with so much of his hair in my mouth I also had a cane corso puppy and she was an angel but terrified of the dryer. Madi is making us ravioli with mushrooms Broccoli and Garlic toast... YUMMY
Went to visit my besties and loverboy to celebrate me passing my eval. Mr.man took me on a very lowkey silly date out to explore downtowm with him and some little hidden gems. The highlights were him never letting me walk on the outside edge of the sidewalk and a cute place that had a restaurant and like 5 little shops where we got matching bracelets. The bracelets also came with a talk about me letting him buy stuff for me because I'm a chronic "I love it but don't need it" girly. He was in the right because I wrote a sappy little note about it a couple nights later "He plays with my bracelets because he cannot keep his hands still. I tried to act like i didnt want them because i wasnt willing to spend money on myself. He bought them for me because he saw the me I hide away and now we have matching ones. I am glad to be wrong for thinking they werent worth it for the cost. I will wear them until they break." He also took me to this gorgeous little area on the sand where you can get a clear view of the sunset and we just stood and stared at it together. We also took very many cute photos which is a lovely little thing when I'm still used to a man who wouldn't take photos of me or with me. I remember the skies looking like cotton candy and thinking that if he asked me to be his in that moment I would've said yes instantly but alas I stayed single for the rest of the night but we also went back to his house and cuddled and got silly with our little videos. May have stayed up till like 4 A.M but I dont regret a goddamn thing and the sleep was so good 4 hours felt like 10.
Me and loverboy woke up at his house but poor boy had to do work stuff (kinda, not really, the way his job works is so odd and weird), thankfully for him his job allows passenger princesses (me) so i got to come along for the 2 little side quests he had then we drove to besties house. On the way to besties we passed an energy drink company doing sponsorship shiz so we ended up with like 4 of the energy drinks in one of their best flavors and also got a free motherfucking cabana float which is mad fucking swag. After we got to besties we went to a local antique/thrift store where bestie(Matt) got a new camera, loverboy got a wii and some games and I somehow managed to walk out with jewelry courtesy of loverboy who simply knew I liked them and one of the items was a necklace that he went dead silent for when I tried it on. I plan to eventually wear it with this drop dead floor length black dress I have (do i have anywhere to wear said dress...no, but he'll find a way to see me in it so I'm not worried.) We also went to Target and a special little adult shop where I tried on some heels and lingerie. Needless to say loverboy was pure heart eyes. We all went to Matt and Connors and got all sexy in our lingerie just to play some card games and watch Smiling Friends with facemasks on. After Matt and Connor went upstairs me and loverboy got all sweet and sugary cuddled up in pajamas. The night before he admitted he wanted to ask me but wanted to wait until I was okay with it. This night I told him that us being happy with our friends cuddled up watching a cartoon was the perfect time.
At 2am after hours of hopeful waiting he finally asked me to be his girlfriend. It was perfect just like I thought. After some "Celebration" on our friends couch we fell asleep in the most awkward position ever but I do remember waking up to him slumping his head into my side and holding my hand. The kind of warmth that comes from a fireplace. I woke up happy knowing I had my own little sweet boyfriend but sadly he had to go to work before I had to leave town but he hugged me as long as possible and texted me to drive safely. Once I got home I was surprised by my sister and niece being in town along with the DVD case I grew up with. It's packed to the brim with movies me and my friends haven't seen so I made it our goal to watch one a day until we finish them all. I went to bed very happy that night.
I couldn't truly remember a thing about this day but I know I worked and I also had my manager told me they are trying to find a way to let me transfer early before going to academy. I highly doubt it'l actually happen.
I receive a text at 9am but I dont see it until 1pm. I am moving on Saturday. The transfer was able to be pushed up so now I start at the other location on Monday.I also got a really sweet message from my manager about how much I'll be missed and that he's not happy to see me go but he won't stand in the way of my dream. I told him about how the only reason I got this far was because I got to start with them and watching them is what made me realize this was my dream and this was the job I was meant to have to make a positive difference via sweet old customers who remember my name and untrusting dogs that learn to love strangers like me again because sometimes it just means being held instead of being shot. Yknow I was truly trying to keep this early transfer a secret from my loverboy to surprise him but how could you possibly keep a secret from the person you want to tell it to the most. I plan to have him reload the site while we're on call because I decided to show him my little imagination grotto while I can watch his face. He blushed about the bracelets so theres no telling how excited he'll get seeing this. I can't wait to have a room all to myself and decorate it with every physical representation of my soul. It's been too many years since I've had the freedom to wear my heart on my walls. I hope he has fun looking through every detail of me while I tell him what everything is, what it's for, who its meant to remind me of. I know I loved doing the same thing in his room.